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Monday, May 14, 2012

What we do

The terror of childhood is the thought of losing the anchor. That link with reality and security. The fear that the parents will die. It shapes the days and haunts the nights until adolescence, for at that time the wish is for the parents to die, for the young person to shed it's dependence and fly on it's own. It is the cry for freedom without the skill or knowledge to survive in the world, but the primal peak of puberty pushing for independence. When, then, the individual reaches adult and realizes that in fact the parents will die, and the mind begins to grapple with the inevitable.

As time passes, the individual then becomes aware of the ticking clock of his own mortality and chooses how to face the time. Choosing whether or not to ignore the inevitable or to prepare to put things in order or to leave a mess for someone else to clean up.

Decisions to be made, to clean up the circumstances of one's life, to put things in order, to sort through the years and the accumulation of unfinished business. The need to arrange for what is left behind.

The inevitable reflection on the years past and how they were played, the persons along the way that influenced the choices, and the choosing of choices whether helpful or unhelpful in living a life as one would have wished the life to be lived.

The dreams unfulfilled, the hearts broken, the legacy of a lifetime.

As the muscles sag, the hair thins, the wrinkles appear, the days lived are relived. without warning, the images coalesce into a past time, a different person, the same person. The visions of the drifting snow of memories snowball into days and years relived, and the decision to accept success or failure for those times. The judgement day we all hear about, but it is we who are the judge, we are the jury of our lives and how well we have lived them. We sit at the trial of our lives and pass judgement on ourselves and whether or not we have used our time wisely. For it is then, our time is up, and we have no more moments to rebuild repair or replay the days of our lives.

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