Total Pageviews

Monday, October 31, 2011

Are You Dying

Yes, I am dying
As soon as I am born
I embark on the path
to death
Living all the while
dying all the while
grasping every moment
no, not yet
just dying
of course
looking into the window
How have I fared
compared to what
compared to Hillary Clinton, Mother Terese,
Princess Di, the man in the moon
or simply the person sitting next to me
I have lasted all this time
that is an accomplishment
yes, that is what counts
does it
of course
you are not dead
but, what have I done
a little of this a little of that
nothing earth shattering
no trip to the moon
yet, not too many broken hearts
or damaged egos
not too many
yet, some
some mistakes
here and there
some dumb faux pas
some others too
some people like me
some others do too
Some sadness along the way
some pain
and laughter, oh don't forget the laughter
some really funny things
some a little dangereous
like the time....
working in the bank, and Mary was mad at her cousin from Ireland who came to America on a holiday visa, and was living with she and her family and abusing the priviledge by getting a construction job, taking away the job from some American at a time when jobs were in short supply. So we, a bunch of us, sat together thinking what to do and we got Anna to bring in her Immigration papers for us to look at. And we wrote up a letter to her cousin, from the US Dept of Immigration and Naturalization in Washington DC telling him, that he must present himself at the nearest Immigration Office with a list of papers, birth, visa, pasport and a bunch of other papers.
It was reported to us by Mary, that his cousin went to the local immigration office, there, the immigration people made a fuss about his getting a letter from Washington and they wanted to deport him right away.
When at home, he, her cousin said that it was the Irish Mafia in Massassechutes that was after him. And Mary's mother said to him, "See you can't fool the US Government".
For weeks after we sent the letter, all of us in on the plan were looking over our shoulders, expecting to see G men coming after us, even though we put a stamp on the letter after we had rationalized that putting a stamp on the letter made it look like we were not really trying to impersonate the US government.
That, I thought was dangereous and was surprised about my complicity, especially writing the letter was my idea.
Maybe that reverts back to the days when I ratted out J & R in elementary school, my moral outrage.
Speaking of moral outrage
what value has it
what is morally valid
Like Albert's theory
It depends where you are standing
Fair Play
We all would like the playing field equal
watching any football game we know, the field is not
Like football, every player has different rules
what kind of a  player are you
I use to think I was important
When I was a banker, I took the job seriously
and was personally responsible
for all the people whose money I was responsible for
Working in the pension department I kept thinking of all the present and future
pensioners whose money I handled
The accounts covered every industry, paper, plastic aluminum, printing ....
I fantasized, for every pensioner there was a spouse and at least two children
And I worried about all of them
I did my very best all the time
to protect their investment of time, translated into money
I did my best not to be responsible for any harm coming to any of them
then, one of my bosses was caught stealing
and, I had guilt by association
that I should have known and probably did know what he was doing,
is what everyone said
Marched up to the big shots offices in the tower, and sat down before
the corporations lawyer and the big boss, I felt guilty, even though
I did not comprimise any of the accounts money, at least not knowingly.
Tainted goods.
On all sides, any way they looked at it.
There was no way to free myself from the yolk of suspision.
"All you have is your good name", or so they say.
And mine was tarnished by rubbing up against life.
And all the other things I got credit for,
whether I did them or not.
I was always the one in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Or is it the right place at the wrong time.
It doesn't matter, where ever I was, I was in trouble.
In elementary school, in high school, even college, it was never perfect,
it was never beautiful. I was never fortunate.
I plodded along with cardboard in my shoes to cover the holes in the soles.
Sounds like an analogy.
You're covered, but you're not.
I was smart, but not educated.
My smartness got me from nowhere to somewhere
and circumstances brought me back to reality.
So I left the bank, because I was disillusioned
the bubble was burst
they were just human
and they
made mistakes
and it cost me dearly.
I now had to face the real world.
 Living on Park Avenue, like living anywhere else, is no free lunch.
there are always hidden costs
and surprise!
we all get to pay it.
Just do your best not to get too beat up.
Or, if you do get into a fight
make sure it is worth fighting for
but how do you know, if something is worth fighting for
we have always been told to do the right thing
how do we know what the right thing is, at the time
You know hindsight is always 20 x 20
but at the time, all you can do is guess
because the product(the scene you are playing) is not played out yet
so you have to guess  what is right and what is wrong
the old "trust your feelings"
when forced to make a decision, about whatever will affect you
your best guess
just crossing the street can change your life and your world
for better or for worse
and remember
there is only one rule,
sometimes always never.
If you apply that variable
at least you won't be surprised with the outcome,
except if you are.
Are you still there?
I am still alive,
I am still dying.
travelling through time, back and forth
the past and the present
Weighing what
the measure of my life
the good the bad and the ugly
the things that have happened quickly
before I could catch them
before I could make other choices
the things that have happened so quickly or
while I was so young so ignorant so stupid
what do you mean
One time when I ran away from home
the place that was so awful
I got lucky? and my friend Ernie's mom
offered me her home
living there was cool
they had some money and I was not accustomed
to the comforts
Even though I had a job in a dentists office
she asked me for no money
I felt like the cowering dog in a safe place
one day at work
Ernie's father called me up and
wanted to make a date with me.
I thought that was disgusting.
But I felt threatened.
Ernie's family were planning to go to the lake
for the summer and I would be at home alone
with Ernie's father.
I solved the problem by hurting myself.
I wrote letters to everyone in the family, little
formal notes thanking them for all the kindness
they had shown me.
Except for Ernie's father, his note I made provocative,
knowing that Ernie's mother would open it.
The letter caused quite a stir. Ernie's mother
was very agitated and threw me out that very day.
I cried with my tail between my legs all the way home.
I cried because of the husband Ernie's mother had,
I wanted her life to be perfect. She had been so kind
to me, the kindness I had not felt before.
I cried because I was forced back to the home of strife.
Oh so many stories in my life, of pain.
Pain hurts the most.
No, pain you feel the most, it cuts the deepest.
It scars your life with the sharpest cuts, the deepest wounds,
the ugliest deformations, the wretched apprehension fear.
Yes, I am still dying
I am as yet not dead.
They didn't kill me, as best as they tried.
The passion is still there.
What passion.
The passion to live every moment, to drive my self
through my life, going where I want to go, doing what I want to do,
pleasing myself.
What do you mean.
Being old gives me some advantage.
I want to live my life doing those things that make me happy.
There is not much else that is important.
If I care for my family, that makes me happy, why, because if
they are happy, they will not cause me any aggrivation and thus
I am without strife, that is happy.
If my family is happy, then I can devote myself to making myself
happy. It is the take care of yourself first rule. Whatever it takes to
take care of yourself.
Reverse psychology. Simple.
Keep your eyes open.
See what is going on.
Don't walk with blinders.
Notice your environment.
You are always being watched.
Protect yourself.
There is always someone watching.
If you assume you are always being watched, then, you have
a better chance of not doing anything that would put you in a
comprimising position.
The old "cover your a--" mentality. Do your best to protect
yourself, mentally physically and emotionally, this way there
is no guilt. You won't feel guilty when all goes awry, because you
did your best.
If you do your best all the time, you get in the habit of doing
your best even though it is not always good enough.
You can at least feel good about yourself, because you
are the only one you HAVE to live with.

No comments:

Post a Comment