Are You Dying

Yes, I am dying

As soon as I am born

I embark on the path

to death

 

Living all the while

dying all the while

 

grasping every moment

 

silly

no

silly

yes

 

dying

yes

dead

no, not yet

 

just dying

 

alive

of course

 

looking into the window

watching

acting

grasping

having

being

seeing

 

judging!

 

How have I fared

compared to what

 

compared to Hillary Clinton, Mother Terese,

Princess Di, the man in the moon

 

or simply the person sitting next to me

I have lasted all this time

that is an accomplishment

yes, that is what counts

does it

of course

you are not dead

 

but, what have I done

a little of this a little of that

nothing earth shattering

no trip to the moon

yet, not too many broken hearts

or damaged egos

no

not too many

yet, some

 

some mistakes

yes

here and there

some dumb faux pas

some others too

 

yet

some people like me

yet

some others do too

 

Some sadness along the way

some pain

and laughter, oh don't forget the laughter

some really funny things

some a little dangereous

like the time....

 

working in the bank, and Mary was mad at her cousin from Ireland who came to America on a holiday visa, and was living with she and her family and abusing the priviledge by getting a construction job, taking away the job from some American at a time when jobs were in short supply. So we, a bunch of us, sat together thinking what to do and we got Anna to bring in her Immigration papers for us to look at. And we wrote up a letter to her cousin, from the US Dept of Immigration and Naturalization in Washington DC telling him, that he must present himself at the nearest Immigration Office with a list of papers, birth, visa, pasport and a bunch of other papers.

 

It was reported to us by Mary, that his cousin went to the local immigration office, there, the immigration people made a fuss about his getting a letter from Washington and they wanted to deport him right away.

 

When at home, he, her cousin said that it was the Irish Mafia in Massassechutes that was after him. And Mary's mother said to him, "See you can't fool the US Government".

 

For weeks after we sent the letter, all of us in on the plan were looking over our shoulders, expecting to see G men coming after us, even though we put a stamp on the letter after we had rationalized that putting a stamp on the letter made it look like we were not really trying to impersonate the US government.

 

That, I thought was dangereous and was surprised about my complicity, especially writing the letter was my idea.

Maybe that reverts back to the days when I ratted out J & R in elementary school, my moral outrage.

 

Speaking of moral outrage

what value has it

what is morally valid

 

Like Albert's theory

It depends where you are standing

 

Fair Play

We all would like the playing field equal

watching any football game we know, the field is not

 

Like football, every player has different rules

 

well

what kind of a  player are you

 

I use to think I was important

When I was a banker, I took the job seriously

and was personally responsible

for all the people whose money I was responsible for

 

Working in the pension department I kept thinking of all the present and future

pensioners whose money I handled

 

The accounts covered every industry, paper, plastic aluminum, printing ....

I fantasized, for every pensioner there was a spouse and at least two children

And I worried about all of them

I did my very best all the time

to protect their investment of time, translated into money

 

I did my best not to be responsible for any harm coming to any of them

 

then, one of my bosses was caught stealing

and, I had guilt by association

that I should have known and probably did know what he was doing,

is what everyone said

 

Marched up to the big shots offices in the tower, and sat down before

the corporations lawyer and the big boss, I felt guilty, even though

I did not comprimise any of the accounts money, at least not knowingly.

 

Tainted goods.

On all sides, any way they looked at it.

There was no way to free myself from the yolk of suspision.

 

"All you have is your good name", or so they say.

And mine was tarnished by rubbing up against life.

And all the other things I got credit for,

whether I did them or not.

 

I was always the one in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Or is it the right place at the wrong time.

It doesn't matter, where ever I was, I was in trouble.

 

In elementary school, in high school, even college, it was never perfect,

it was never beautiful. I was never fortunate.

 

I plodded along with cardboard in my shoes to cover the holes in the soles.

Sounds like an analogy.

You're covered, but you're not.

 

I was smart, but not educated.

My smartness got me from nowhere to somewhere

and circumstances brought me back to reality.

 

So I left the bank, because I was disillusioned

the bubble was burst

they were just human

and they

made mistakes

and it cost me dearly.

I now had to face the real world.

 

 Living on Park Avenue, like living anywhere else, is no free lunch.

there are always hidden costs

and surprise!

we all get to pay it.

 

Just do your best not to get too beat up.

Or, if you do get into a fight

make sure it is worth fighting for

 

but how do you know, if something is worth fighting for

we have always been told to do the right thing

how do we know what the right thing is, at the time

 

You know hindsight is always 20 x 20

but at the time, all you can do is guess

because the product(the scene you are playing) is not played out yet

so you have to guess  what is right and what is wrong

 

the old "trust your feelings"

when forced to make a decision, about whatever will affect you

 

your best guess

because

just crossing the street can change your life and your world

for better or for worse

 

and remember

there is only one rule,

sometimes always never.

If you apply that variable

at least you won't be surprised with the outcome,

except if you are.

 

Are you still there?

Yes

I am still alive,

I am still dying.

travelling through time, back and forth

the past and the present

weighing.

 

Weighing what

the measure of my life

the good the bad and the ugly

the things that have happened quickly

before I could catch them

before I could make other choices

the things that have happened so quickly or

while I was so young so ignorant so stupid

 

what do you mean

 

One time when I ran away from home

the place that was so awful

I got lucky? and my friend Ernie's mom

offered me her home

living there was cool

they had some money and I was not accustomed

to the comforts

Even though I had a job in a dentists office

she asked me for no money

I felt like the cowering dog in a safe place

UNTIL

one day at work

Ernie's father called me up and

wanted to make a date with me.

I thought that was disgusting.

But I felt threatened.

Ernie's family were planning to go to the lake

for the summer and I would be at home alone

with Ernie's father.

 

I solved the problem by hurting myself.

I wrote letters to everyone in the family, little

formal notes thanking them for all the kindness

they had shown me.

Except for Ernie's father, his note I made provocative,

knowing that Ernie's mother would open it.

 

The letter caused quite a stir. Ernie's mother

was very agitated and threw me out that very day.

 

I cried with my tail between my legs all the way home.

I cried because of the husband Ernie's mother had,

I wanted her life to be perfect. She had been so kind

to me, the kindness I had not felt before.

 

I cried because I was forced back to the home of strife.

 

Oh so many stories in my life, of pain.

Pain hurts the most.

No, pain you feel the most, it cuts the deepest.

It scars your life with the sharpest cuts, the deepest wounds,

the ugliest deformations, the wretched apprehension fear.

 

Yes, I am still dying

I am as yet not dead.

They didn't kill me, as best as they tried.

 

The passion is still there.

What passion.

The passion to live every moment, to drive my self

through my life, going where I want to go, doing what I want to do,

pleasing myself.

What do you mean.

 

Being old gives me some advantage.

I want to live my life doing those things that make me happy.

There is not much else that is important.

If I care for my family, that makes me happy, why, because if

they are happy, they will not cause me any aggrivation and thus

I am without strife, that is happy.

 

If my family is happy, then I can devote myself to making myself

happy. It is the take care of yourself first rule. Whatever it takes to

take care of yourself.

 

Reverse psychology. Simple.

Keep your eyes open.

Observe.

See what is going on.

Don't walk with blinders.

Notice your environment.

 

You are always being watched.

Protect yourself.

There is always someone watching.

If you assume you are always being watched, then, you have

a better chance of not doing anything that would put you in a

comprimising position.

 

The old "cover your a--" mentality. Do your best to protect

yourself, mentally physically and emotionally, this way there

is no guilt. You won't feel guilty when all goes awry, because you

did your best.

 

If you do your best all the time, you get in the habit of doing

your best even though it is not always good enough.

 

You can at least feel good about yourself, because you

are the only one you HAVE to live with.